Checkpoint #1: my first boyfriend

 We've all sat and wondered what it would be like to have a significant other. (In my case, a boyfriend.) We long for that sensation... feeling like we are loved by someone outside of our known circle. Now that that mooshy-gooshy gross introduction is out of the way (I physically cringed while writing that,) here's the story of my first boyfriend.

Let's call him... Gull. 'Why would we call him Gull?' You ask. Well, he laughed like a fucking seagull on crack falling off a building because it forgot it had wings and decided to take a stroll down Cloud Ave. 

So it all started back in freshman year. A whole two years ago. When Gull was dating my friend (and I'm throwing the word 'friend' around like confetti.) I had never really had a conversation with Gull or the girl he was dating, all I knew was that he was semi-attractive and kinda funny. Skipping forward a year because literally nothing happened to me freshman year, I'm in my study hall class with a ton of people who were only in school friends at the time. Non of us knew anything about each other outside of our school schedules. 

I had three classes with Gull: history, chemistry and study hall. Now, I've always been pretty average in school... too smart to chill with the dumb kids, to dumb to chill with the smart ones... so I was in this weird limbo stage where I just got away with doing whatever the fuck I wanted. Dangerous, but I didn't do anything crazy or whatever and I still kept my 3.8 GPA. Now, Gull, did all of my work in history. Not because I didn't know how to do it, but because I simply did not want to. My teacher was known to be super chill and let anything slide so it seemed like the perfect situation. Flirt with the smart-ish boy and he'd do my work. Win-win. Until he started liking me back. I'd catch him pulling an ol' Eddie Cullen and staring deep into my soul as if he'd seen a ghost. Y'all know that look dudes make when they like you. Anyways, once I realized that he liked me, I decided that I liked him too. Just like that. Snap. Done deal.

My best friend hated his guts. For good reasons but those are stories for another day.

So anyways once I decided that I liked him, it started moving fast. One day we were just playfully flirting with each other and playing game-pigeon games through text, the next day he's holding my hand in study hall. 

And in wonderful high school relationship fashion, once he held my hand once, he had to hold my hand every single fucking time he saw me. 

Side note: I am not a touchy person... like at all. I still refuse to hug my best friend of eleven almost twelve years. It's simply not my thing. 

I'd get to school early so that I could sit with my best friend every morning in the commons. We'd work on whatever and one day he came over and sat next to me and put his arm around me. IN FRONT OF MY BEST FRIEND WHO HATES HIM. Fucking idiot. If he would have told me he was going to do that I would have told him to get his head checked and stopped it instantly... but noooooo he had to go and try and make this BIG gesture to compensate for- (I'll just move on now)

Anyways it just got worse and worse as time went on and I never said anything about it. I think I was nervous I would ruin something that I didn't want in the first place (idk... it doesn't make sense to me either) 

Thinking back now, I don't think we would have worked out, but if I would have told him that I didn't like what he was doing then it would have avoided the issues we had later on.

Time marking for you: this is about two weeks into the relationship around Thanksgiving.

I was sitting on the walls around the perimeter of our school grounds with him... not too high off the ground at all so we were still a part of the conversation within his friend group. Now, I had the biggest crush on three people in his friend group freshman year. The most important one, hmm, lets call him... Nissan... self explanatory. Anyways I was sitting with Gull and Nissan was looking at me like he was just disappointed and I said "Nissan, you good?" and he just ignored me so I moved on with my life. Then I realized he was jealous (he probably wasn't but this is just my thought process at the time) so the next day I decided I was going to be single. Just to see what was out there. I never said I was the best girlfriend. 

So after consulting my gaggle of hens I call friends (love you guys) I planned out a way I would break up with him. So here is my guide:

1. Make sure you're more than 100% positive that this is what you want

2. Self reflect and figure out why this is what you want

3. Remember those reasons and tell him tomorrow

Now, did I follow these rules? Yes, yes I did... but did I tell him why I was actually breaking up with him? Absolutely fucking not. If there was one thing I could change about the whole situation I would have been more honest at the very end. 

I ended up saying some dumb as bullshit like, "Hey, so I don't think I was ready for a relationship... I think we need to go back to our own lives." But that part didn't hurt me. The part that really hurt was when I asked him to walk with me, he reached for my hand and I pulled it away. The look in his eyes is what hurt me. Knowing that I was going to hurt someone who I had cared about. But at the end of the day, his present does not impact my future. 

Time stamp: four months after the breakup

So a little disclaimer before I continue... I am not happy with my decisions that I made. If I could go back in time and not make the choices that I made, I would. But since I cannot, I am just going to be 100% honest and own up to my mistakes.

Four months after the breakup, I made a tiktok. The tiktok name dropped Gull, insinuating that I lowered my standards to be with him. At the time I hadn't realized how much of an impact this could have on his self esteem and confidence. Now that it's been a while, I have learned and I am writing this right now to help you not make those mistakes.

Anyways, one of Gull and my mutual friends saw the tiktok and showed it to him... now, what he did next did match my immaturity level, but was definitely a low ass blow.

He wrote my phone number on a piano (which is quite the symbolism because I have played piano for so long) but right under my phone number was a message saying, 'Call for a good time.'

Shit

I was getting a minimum of seven calls an hour... none of them realized that I was underaged and, well, needless to say, I did deserve a lesson... but I would have rather gotten a lesson a bit less extreme.

Time stamp: now

I had a dream about Gull and Nissan and all of my friends. We were all getting along... especially Gull and I (nothing gross... get your mind out of the gutter) but I looked up the meaning of my dream because I never dream, so when I do it is usually pretty influential. Anyways, the dream site said that I am either still in love with my ex, still stuck in the past, or missing something from the past. I know that I am not in love with him... but maybe I am stuck in the past. Maybe I am just as lonely as I was and maybe I am missing an influential piece of the puzzle here. But the only thing I've ever known how to do when it came to expressing my true inner thoughts, was writing... So earlier today I spent the $12 to buy this domain. So join me as we travel to every checkpoint on The Corner of the Circle. 

:)

xoxo,

Chloe

p.s. I don't think there's a chance anybody who knows me will see this... but if you do just know that this is my way of understanding what is going on in my mind. This is my outlet. Writing is my life and has always been there for me. I like to look back at my past decisions and choices and laugh at how naive I had been in the moment. I wish nothing but the best to anybody that I mention... truly :)